OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
