Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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