I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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