i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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