i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
