I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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