I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
