i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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