...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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