I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
