I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
