just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
