Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
