I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
