And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
