i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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