Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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