So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
