Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
