We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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