weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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