we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
