i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
