And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
