Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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