I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
