Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
