This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
