i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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