You just made me feel so damn special
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
