Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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