8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
