I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
