i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
