all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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