Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
