I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
