And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
