We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
