after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
