Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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