i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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