No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
