saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
