She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
