I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
