After last night, I could never be a politician.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
