"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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