Ambien. No doubt about it.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
