Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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