I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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