I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
